Posted in introduction

feeling old

i’m trying to decide if turning 44 really means anything. not from a numerical perspective but from a general “oh god, i’m getting old” perspective. i don’t remember feeling old until 2006. that was the year i found out i had a clotting disorder. i found out because i had a pulmonary embolism as well as half a dozen clots in my leg. i feel like i’ve gotten very old in the past seven years and i don’t know why.

there are things i miss from when i was “younger”. i miss being in school, both college and law school. i don’t miss the tests, which i was horrible at taking, i miss the act of learning. i miss the focused time set aside for reading and studying and writing and researching. i miss the discussions with classmates, the arguments about which point was not just correct but also accurate. i miss the feeling that my brain was actually doing something other than turning into an avocado.

i wonder, though, if the feeling is truly representative of my place in life at this time or if it’s simply an extension of my feelings about where i am in life right now. that sounds like it’s the same thing, but it’s really not. i always planned to be somewhere else by this point in my life. i planned to be an attorney, prosecuting violent crimes against women and children. i didn’t plan on having to leave law school in the first semester of my third year and then not being able to go back. (interesting aside about law school. you can take a leave of absence but if you don’t return within six months you can’t return unless it’s as a first year. you have to start all over again. who can afford the time and money to repeat everything that has already been done?)

so do i feel old because i haven’t accomplished anything that i set out to accomplish and now i’m out of time or am i actually old and having the normal reaction to that phase of my life?

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2 thoughts on “feeling old

  1. Turtle, I can definitely relate!!! I just turned 38, and I’m clinging so tightly to the fact that 38 still isn’t 39 -the year before 40. And even though I’m rattling off a lot of numbers, it really isn’t the number of years that bothers me. It’s what I haven’t accomplished or lived in those number of years.

    In my family, I was the smart one. I was the one who earned my college degree. I was the one who was supposed to effortlessly climb my profession’s career ladder. Instead, I kept crashing and burning! I can’t ever catch up in that profession and that profession isn’t appropriate for someone with my mental health issues. So, if/when I do return to working, I’ll be starting over somewhere do something else. 😦 It’s incredibly depressing. And, I’m single. So, there’s no retirement or nest egg being saved.

    And, for me, it’s also unnerving how inappropriately and incredibly childlike and naive I feel. I’ve begun to realize how much normal emotional growing and developing I did not do during my childhood and youth. I think I feel sort of isolated and alone -like I truly am a four or twelve-year-old in a 38-year-old body. It’s scary out here!!!! *tries to push my way into your shell* MOVE OVER!!! MAKE ROOM!!!! Ooops… *thinks I stepped on your head*

    *knock on wood* I’ve yet to really begin to feel the negative physical effects of age. And, those that I do feel I blame on my weight, which they may or may not be weight related. I can pretend though. I’m certain if I lose gargantuan amounts of weight I’ll still be able to do somersaults and hang upside down from the monkey bars and climb trees, right?! *sometimes denial is a nice place to live*

    That definitely sucks about law school! I guess maybe because laws change… new Supreme Court cases happen… etc. I wanted to be a lawyer for a while! 🙂 I have a minor in political science. But, I chickened out and changed my major. I still really like law and think I’d have done well in the field. Not as a trial attorney… but some boring, stuck-in-room-by-myself type attorney.

    Anyway, I went swimming today and splashed around in a pool all day. So, I’m not feeling old tonight. So, I’m declaring us not to be old! *sprinkles some of my feeling-young fairy dust on you* ooops… *thinks I got some in your eye*

    Take care,
    rl

  2. You’re not old … you’re older than you used to be. And accomplishments, or expected accomplishments, should be taken with a view of the world you’re in now, not the things you were doing or hope to be doing before this place that you’re in now. Why are you running yourself down … why not look at what you HAVE accomplished? There’s a reason people say hindsight is 20/20 … I am a HUGE believer in what goes around, comes around … and things happen for a reason. A butterfly landing in Central Park and all that …

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