i’m trying to decide if turning 44 really means anything. not from a numerical perspective but from a general “oh god, i’m getting old” perspective. i don’t remember feeling old until 2006. that was the year i found out i had a clotting disorder. i found out because i had a pulmonary embolism as well as half a dozen clots in my leg. i feel like i’ve gotten very old in the past seven years and i don’t know why.
there are things i miss from when i was “younger”. i miss being in school, both college and law school. i don’t miss the tests, which i was horrible at taking, i miss the act of learning. i miss the focused time set aside for reading and studying and writing and researching. i miss the discussions with classmates, the arguments about which point was not just correct but also accurate. i miss the feeling that my brain was actually doing something other than turning into an avocado.
i wonder, though, if the feeling is truly representative of my place in life at this time or if it’s simply an extension of my feelings about where i am in life right now. that sounds like it’s the same thing, but it’s really not. i always planned to be somewhere else by this point in my life. i planned to be an attorney, prosecuting violent crimes against women and children. i didn’t plan on having to leave law school in the first semester of my third year and then not being able to go back. (interesting aside about law school. you can take a leave of absence but if you don’t return within six months you can’t return unless it’s as a first year. you have to start all over again. who can afford the time and money to repeat everything that has already been done?)
so do i feel old because i haven’t accomplished anything that i set out to accomplish and now i’m out of time or am i actually old and having the normal reaction to that phase of my life?